It's been three weeks since my accident in the river by my home, when the current dragged me underwater and through a rock tunnel, and I escaped by what seemed to be a miracle...
It felt like I went through a portal. Literally and metaphorically. A disintegration and reintegration of my body, my being, my soul. Which somehow, seemed to come back together more whole after the experience - although these last few weeks, my nervous system has been in quite a dis-regulated state.
This morning I was reflecting on that moment, while conversing with my daily dose of ceremonial Cacao, and a voice came to me:
"You cannot ever be left behind, if you're already truly here."
The theme of abandonment, and abandonment wounds, has been coming up strongly in my network lately, and I'm reminded of some reflections shared in the women's circle I hosted a few days ago. Fear of abandonment affects so many of us: and so long as we let that fear rule our lives, indeed we shall feel abandoned. Abandoned by joy, as bliss leaves us, the beautiful gift of the present moment diminished by distracting thoughts of the inevitable loss we perceive shall happen.
And indeed, all things material, and physical, will come to an end in this particular plane of reality. Our own bodies shall fail us one day, abandon our spirit, and disintegrate back into the earth.
But remember - energy is neither created nor destroyed, it simply changes form.
So release into the flow of that ebbing motion, that brings us always round, full circle, to the beginning of time, and the birth of creation.
And know that from the faded embers, from the dark, a spark always comes back to life...
* * *
Now, I’d like to tell a little story – one of my favourite stories to tell. I told it last night on stage at my local live music venue “Organico” where I play regularly. A girl approached me after, saying that’s what her friend needed to hear that night, and it made me smile knowing “this is why I come out to share my music“. It’s not for the small change that I manage to make from tips some nights, but for the medicine that comes with sharing my energy in this way.
I’ve told bits and pieces of this story in various posts before. But here’s a little more detail.
At the beginning of this year, I was due to complete on the purchase of a property. A property where I envisioned to not just build my own home, but establish a healing sanctuary and community centre. There’d been a long build-up to this moment. Indeed I’d started my property search 12 months prior, and with this particular property, had invested a lot of time, money, and energy. I had a prelim sales contract in place and a large deposit down – yet the day before completion, it all fell apart.
At the time, I also had a man living with me – who had recently decided to leave the United States and try out a different way of life. It was a pretty new relationship, but I was all in. I knew what I wanted, what I had to offer, and the strength of my commitment both to my own life path, and to partnership. I’m an all or nothing kind of person. I believe if you want something, go for it: that’s how I make things happen.
The property deal fell apart and at pretty much exactly the same time, I felt him start to pull away. He already had plans to go to Mexico for a month, for a training programme, which I’d fully supported – I believe commitment to a relationship doesn’t mean you always need to be together full time, and continuing to pursue personal development and growth whilst in relationship is incredibly important to avoid stagnation both individually and as a couple. I encouraged him to go for his training, but in the week prior to his departure, things felt like they were coming apart energetically in terms of the way he was acting towards me. Like he was afraid of commitment, and no longer interested in me now that my life was not all fairy-tale-like and smooth sailing.
I think deep down in my gut I knew it was over – he wasn’t coming back. And deep in my heart, I probably knew he wasn’t the one for me.
Over the next month, it felt like the universe was throwing me test after test. The biggest one was waiting to get my deposit money back (which I did eventually), but there were points where I doubted whether I would, and spent hours meditating to release attachment to that money: arriving to a state of peace with that financial loss. I was in the midst of this process when a break-up text message came out of the blue, two days before he was due to land back in Costa Rica. Not even a phone call. He’d decided he’d found himself in Mexico, where everything was flowing beautifully…
Despite the heartache, and ultimately frustration at myself for having given my all to somebody who didn’t match my commitment level, I resolved to not react to him. I wanted to break the cycle I’d been in many times before – of chasing unavailable love. Instead, pull my focus back to myself. Find the love within me. Be love. Be whole.
It was a sleepless night. This was the last straw, that had come after all the stress of seeing my dreams crumble apart. I spent a lot of time crying: not so much over him, although that definitely was part of it. But sometimes what we’re grieving is actually the “loss” or death of old parts of ourselves. I knew I was going through a huge transformation, personally and with my life mission. It didn’t make things any less painful in the moment, but I had that deep knowing inside me. A trust, that kept me going. One foot in front of the other.
The next day, puffy eyed and feeling hungover from all the emotion I’d wallowed in and tears I cried, I was summoning the courage to go down to Organico for my weekly gig. I didn’t feel like going out. I felt terrible, looked terrible, and my vehicle was broken down which meant I’d have to walk the steep hill to town. It seemed a lot of effort, and my mood was not good.
Then the song “The Alchemist” came to me. Just like that. Not my typical style either. The tune, and lyrics, just dropped in.
And suddenly I had energy. I got myself ready, put on some nice clothes (not to impress anybody, but to make myself feel more put together for me), and began the walk. I was actually first due to have dinner with a musician I’d played with a few times before – and from the minute we sat down I felt a flirtatious energy from him which I found irritating. I explained that I was not looking for anything right now, and what had been happening in my personal life lately. His response was to tell various things I needed from a man, in a way that felt like he was trying to persuade me to let him provide them. He was perfectly polite, but I was not in the mood. And it irritates me when people who don’t know me tell me what I need.
I remember thinking to myself – I don’t need the things he’s suggesting. And if I choose a man, I will choose somebody who is as committed to and focussed on his path as I am to mine, who is strong enough to ride the waves of life and not just throw in the towel when things get tough, and who doesn’t run away to where the grass looks greener. Because I know the kind of person I am. I know my strength. And I am somebody who keeps on going even when things are rough.
We finished dinner and head over to Organico for musica. I wander in search of the owner, and as I walk towards the stage a young man calls out to me. He’s asking about live music, and tells me he wants to play.
The night was pretty blurry, and not because of the wine. Later, I asked the young man (Alex) if he’d play harmonica to some my songs, and at the end of the night we end up in an incredible jam where I’m just free-flowing with my poetry. The first time I’ve ever done something improvised like that on stage. It’s like something else took over me. It happens to me often when I’m on my own singing for the trees and feeling connection to spirit: but at that time, it was not something that happened to me in public.
Two days later Alex follows me to a gig of mine at Indigena Café: a different kind of venue, where I tell stories, and share my medicine music focussed more on my spiritual path and journey. That day he gifts me the book – The Alchemist. At the time, I hadn’t yet played the song of mine, of that same name, for anybody else’s ears.
Nearly 5 months later, and Alex is back here in Costa Rica. I just had (another!) property deal collapse but I’m once again trusting the process, and Alex hasn’t run away either. Here’s a little clip of us playing The Alchemist together – the first time we did so in person, after very little practice! It’s a song all about alchemising emotion. Shifting perception. From dark to light: we always have a choice.
Alex shares my passion for poetry, storytelling, and weaving medicine through music – as well as health and wellbeing. We are very excited to now be collaborating in person, combining our gifts both musically, as well as in the field of health and wellness, and starting the journey of partnership.
Alex is actually currently in the running to open at Audacy’s We Can Survive Concert at the Hollywood Bowl, LA, in October – a concert in support of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Voting for the opening act is open for the next 4 days and he is currently 6th in his group. You can find out more about his music and free vote (daily!) at this link if you want to support him. There is also the option to add extra votes with a donation if you feel called. Any support is greatly appreciated – whether voting, donating, or spreading the word!
Stay tuned for more updates, and remember again: no matter how difficult things may be, you are in charge of your destiny.
Sometimes reality may crumble, so that it can all come back together again more perfectly.
Keep practicing letting go of what you can’t control, and focus on building the sturdy foundation within you. Because when you feel whole, and stable within, that is when the magic happens: and that’s when we can come together, a force much greater than we are alone, and rise to the skies, fulfilling our dreams.
Wishing you a beautiful rest of your weekend, with lots of love.