When Everything Crumbles…

… To come back together again more perfectly.

The other morning I was sitting on my balcony, sharing a smoke of tobacco with my partner. Tobacco gifted to me from the Ngobe Indigenous, in southern Costa Rica. Tobacco that has been used by many indigenous peoples in sacred tradition and ceremony, long before this plant was taken and misused by the commercialised tobacco industry: destroyed with chemical additives and malignant intent. 

I’ve just started the next phase of my shamanic training. My teacher has opened a “dieta” for me: a special shamanic diet to allow me to connect more deeply with the plant medicine of cacao that I have been working with over the last year. Many foods (and spices!) I once loved are now off-limits: and I am to start my mornings with a 50g dose of ceremonial-grade cacao.

This is also my first-time smoking tobacco with sacred intent, of my own initiative. As my teacher says, when we smoke tobacco, it is to “do work”. And when we speak as we smoke, the voice that comes from us is not the voice of our humanly selves with our “human stupidity”, but the voice of the “ascended master”, or “spirit” of tobacco. Teaching us. Guiding us. Beyond the confines of our logical mind.

My partner and I are reflecting on the cacao ceremony we took part in the previous night. I say to him that I received the message: we must be prepared for things to come apart, constantly, in our day-to-day, as reality shifts to mirror our changing awareness and understanding. Reality is adjusting, recalibrating, coming back together in more aligned ways, and we must learn to trust the process: because sometimes, it may feel like it’s falling apart.

We must find our grounding not from attachment to a particular state of affairs and how we think we’ll achieve our goals: but by connection to a deep sense of the overall vision of where we are headed, as well as rootedness in our daily practices and rituals. Respect for the earth, while we connect to the inner knowing of our hearts, a gateway to the wisdom of the universe, guiding us on our path and life mission.

Things have certainly been shifting a lot lately – and the last weeks have been a rollercoaster ride. I’ve been taking more internal time, as well as recalibrating to some big life shifts since my partner arrived from Canada and we’re adjusting to weaving together life and our projects.

Not to mention that the afternoon before he arrived, I had an accident in the river near my home. I was dragged underwater by the current, and through a rock tunnel, before I miraculously resurfaced. There was a moment that felt like eternity when I was underwater, in the darkness, feeling the powerful suction of the current pulling at my body. Not knowing when I would emerge, feeling totally out of control. I’ve been in some scary situations before in my life – but never have I felt so close to actually leaving this planet. The sheer strength of the water humbled me, leaving me totally helpless, with only the faith in my heart that somehow I was going to get out.

I’m still processing a lot from that incident. Reflections coming through. Feelings. And the shock to my nervous system. Although after last night’s ceremony, I feel a big reset: I’m ready for the next chapter, and what it holds.

Work here ebbs and flows with the seasons. As I write this, we have no power, no wifi, and plenty of time to rest and reflect. I had three healing sessions cancelled last week because the client decided not to travel out to Costa Rica; at the same time as my rent increased. The space is also feeling small and constrictive to share with another – no matter how easily he and I flow together!

I’m not sure what the future holds but it’s starting to feel like I’m being pushed out of this town. So I’ll dive into the uncertainty. I’ll trust in the unfolding. I’ll remember my prayers, and I’ll keep following my heart.

Remember the journey is beautiful, and we’re in this together…

With Love,


p.s. I’m grateful to have a new poem “Prayer to the Elements” published on PhoebeMD.com – you can check it out here!

Published by Cara Amy Goldthorpe

Storyteller, holistic health guide, and lawyer, with a mission to promote health and ways of living more harmoniously on this planet and with each other.

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