It’s strange to return to a big city after so much time living in the wilderness. The other week, I opened up an old box of my things, taking out clothes belonging to a past version of myself, and making me feel somewhat of a ghost in my own skin.
Echoes of a former life whisper back at me, and I wander the streets outside the Royal Courts of Justice where I once worked, stepping on familiar pavements that feel so foreign. I am at a crossroads of sorts. The future simultaneously feels more unstable and yet more secure, in an uncanny paradox. I think that’s what happens the deeper you connect with your heart’s true desires. Somehow, despite all the unknowns, you find yourself in a calm still-point. The only thing that really matters is that you surrender further into the giddy void of your expansion. Like the deep blackness of outer space, it is full of mystery and potential.
Days here are very different from the last couple of months – where I lived without electricity, working on repairing a landslide we had in Costa Rica (which felt quite literally like “moving mountains”), planting food for the future and foraging for what nature was already providing.
Now, there are no more fires at sunset, and I live in a place that feels strangely sterile – despite its modern comforts. After all, I had been living in a rundown hut shared with a bat, scorpion babies, and even a snake at one stage. Those creatures were my greatest teachers, in more ways than I can possibly describe.
I’ve been tapping away at my computer on some ad-hoc freelance editing jobs. So much screen-time is harsh upon my eyes, so I break up the day wandering about to different bookstores, seeing which ones will stock my book – Siege. When warm responses greet me, my heart takes flight – reminding me this is what I truly want to be doing. I was saying to someone the other day – “You have to love what you do more than the money you receive from it.”
As I slowly reconnect to another pace of life here in London, I realise there will be no “re-adjustment” to speak of. Sometimes you reach a point from which there is no going back. It remains to be seen how I integrate and incorporate the various aspects of myself – former “lives” lived within this one particular incarnation of Cara Goldthorpe. Still, the one thing I know is what sets my soul alight, and that it is a fire I must tend to.
On that note, now that I live with electricity again, I’m re-emphasising writing as a priority, and will be more present on this blog. I’ll leave you with a poem I wrote the other day after busking called: “A Day in the Life of my Husband’s Job“. The image is from the nearby Thames – reminding me of Nature’s spirit, strong even in the city.
I had been editing a book that morning talking about comfort zones and expanding them overcoming our fears – lest they paralyse us the longer we don’t act on our desires. Decided it was time, to take a break from the screen and go into town to have a go at playing music on the streets of London something my husband does for a living but to me, the thought threatened to choke up my throat. I much prefer the stillness of a quiet audience – so I may settle into softness instead of competing with the hustle and bustle of a hurrying crowd. I am more moonlight, as he says and he is the sunshine and sometimes it’s a struggle even to play together because I feel the subtlety of my style gets lost. Yet, why not – put myself in his shoes? Perhaps that will help me to find more inner balance and maybe earn a penny for my efforts. Besides, my brother is working from home and I want to play music but do not want to disturb him from concentrating on his rather serious job. As I’m about to leave he voices his concerns – “the police could come” and I reassure him that I know the busking laws and that in our council there’s no need for a licence. Off I go, and I’ll admit I wander around the market square for 20 minutes summoning my courage and scouting where to perch – first, I stop at a café called “Triple Two Coffee” to get some 222 luck to ignite my inner fire. Then I surrender into the melody of songs that came to me in the wilderness when I played beneath the stars beside a crackling fire. A few strangers throw coins but what’s priceless is the smiles of wide-eyed children enchanted by the story of a golden eagle who flew up to heaven – touching other worlds and bringing mystic messages home to earth. A kind lady approaches from Gail’s bakery a place I’d once frequented on bougie brunch dates with law friends – a few stuck around, all this time while I discovered a different side to my soul. She hands me a pastry wrapped in a napkin assures me it’s fresh, it’s warm she just bought it at the counter and I thank her for her kindness and place it beside my coffee – she notices and she says she’s glad that I have a drink too. I wonder what she thinks? And to be honest, whatever it is, it feels refreshing: I’ve grown tired of the perception I sense subtly, in new circles that because I was once a lawyer I’ve bottomless pockets and can procure money with no worries in a heartbeat. The times have shifted and I ride swirling currents surfing the uncertainty as I find humility on the pavement, on the floor sprawled out across a sarong bearing the symbol of Ganesh beginning a new life afresh.
I hope you have a lovely weekend. And, if you enjoyed my work and want to support me, you can find a copy of my book online (paperback and kindle) or in select stores.